Hypnopompic Hallucinations

I don’t usually tell people about this because it sounds like a big fucking lie, but maybe some of you have had similar experiences. I can’t recall how many people I’ve actually told, but my husband didn’t believe me for the longest time. I don’t know if he believes me now, but that really doesn’t mater because I know it’s real. I wish it wasn’t because it’s scary as hell, but it’s been going on for so long now that I know how to handle it. I don’t know why it’s taken me this many years to put an actual name to my affliction, but thanks to some internet research I am finding out more on the subject. So, if you think it sounds outlandish, Google it.

I was twelve, maybe 13 and I decided to volunteer at the elementary school library across the street for the summer. My friend and I helped little kids pick out books, read to them and then straitened things up when it was slow. There were little caverns in one section of the library they called “the mouse holes.” The mouse holes had giant pillows in them and light holes at the top so you could sit in them and read. One day, my friend and I went into the mouse holes to take a little break. I got too comfortable and wound up falling asleep. The next thing I know, I could hear the sounds of the library, so I was awake, but I couldn’t see! I couldn’t speak! I couldn’t move at all! I was terrified and began to hyperventilate until I passed out, and then woke back up like normal. I was visibly shaken, and I tried to explain to my friend what had happened to me, but she didn’t understand, and I think I just scared her. I told the librarian I wasn’t feeling well and needed to go home.

I was trying to explain to my parents what happened, but I wasn’t even sure… all I knew, was that it felt like someone or something was preventing me from moving. I tried to call out, but couldn’t make noise. I could hear, but I couldn’t open my eyes. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. My parents didn’t know what to do, so we went to the doctor. I wound up going in for an EEG. For those of you who don’t know, they stick electrodes to your head, give you a sedative and then monitor your brain waves. They put a strobe light on my face and tried to induce a seizure, but I didn’t have epilepsy, so they said “I don’t know what’s wrong” and that was that. I never discussed it with my doctor again and the subject was laid to rest. I suppose my parents chalked it up to “hormones” (every problem I had since I became 13 was hormones to them) and never really asked me about it. From what I can recall, that is. This was like half of my life ago, people. And you know how my memory is.

So, throughout the years I would go through periods where this would happen to me a lot, usually when I was under a lot of stress or didn’t get enough sleep. Some episodes were worse than others, some lasted a long time. There have been quite a few times that I would struggle to wake up, and when I’d be sitting up, I’d fall back down and go back to ‘sleep’ and have to struggle all over again. There have been a few occasions where the episodes were accompanied by sounds, voices or vibrations; even some pretty terrible nightmares where I would fight to wake up, and despite my overwhelming exhaustion, would get out of bed and walk around to keep myself from falling back into it.

Although I’ve never been formally diagnosed, I now know that I suffer (for lack of a better word) from SLEEP PARALYSIS. I guess I never went back to the Doc to discuss my findings because the episodes have become less frequent since I became an adult, and I’m in no real danger health-wise. And really, past finding the name of the disorder and finding out that it’s terrifying but harmless, I didn’t pursue any further information. I just figured it happens, I’ll survive, and when I talk about it my husband thinks I’m crazy so I should just give it a rest. Until this morning…

My husband stays up much later than I do, so I usually start sleeping on the couch and then I move to the bed when he does. So, around 4:30 I get up, get a drink of water, give the cats some water and food, pee, etc…..and get into bed. Around 6:30, I feel like I’m dreaming and I hear this deep, evil, demonic laugh come from behind me. It’s so resonant it shakes the bed! So I’m like “OH FUCK!” and I try to jump up…. nothing happens. I’m paralyzed. I’m trying my hardest to open my eyes, I’m screaming “BUB! BUB!” to my husband but my breath barely escapes my throat and I start to hyperventilate, so I try to calm down. The trick is to stay calm and regulate your breathing and let yourself gain enough strength to “rip” yourself out of bed. I lay there for what seemed like 5 minutes, although I’m sure it was just a few seconds, and then my eyes opened and I sat up in a daze. My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like crying, but once I was fully awake, I felt okay. I nudged my husband and said “I had a bad dream, will you hold me?” and without even waking up he turned over and threw his arm over me. It took me a couple minutes, but I went back to sleep.

When I woke up 45 minutes later for work, I was so exhausted. I’m still pretty sluggish. I decided I better do some in depth research on the subject, if only to find other people who experience it. I haven’t gotten that far, but I already found a lot of interesting information. For example, some people use Sleep Paralysis as a “launchpad” for Lucid Dreaming!! Reeeeeaaally…..I don’t know a lot about LD, but being the psychonaut that I am, it caught my attention. Also, some of the things I’ve experienced like the demonic laugh, or feeling a presence in the room is typical of SP. In fact, in the dark ages people who experienced SP thought they were being possessed by demons! This is just too interesting… I’m going to go to the library and see what kind of books I can find on dreams and sleep disorders and see if I can straighten some shit out. If you, or someone you know suffer from an addiction…..wait. That’s the ending line from Intervention. If you, or someone you know have experienced SP, comment below because I would love to discuss this with someone who has been there. Sorry this post was so long. ;)